Results: Nick 0 Table 1
So here are the details of my latest debacle. Still not sure exactly what happened. Was feeling great Wed morning (4/27/11). Got a good night's sleep the night before and ate breakfast. Walked to school for my first final of this semester and checked in with several friends who were very stressed out. Reminded folks to breathe and gave out lots of hugs. Then I ate a snack and settled into take my test.
About an hour into the exam I started feeling very warm, which is not unusual as this room is always very hot. I kept drinking water throughout the exam, but then I started feeling nauseous. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to go up and tell the instructor I really needed to step out. I managed to get out of my row, down the stairs and to the front. I don't remember what happened next, but I am told I passed out and went face first into a long table where the instructor was sitting. There was a very loud crash and I'm told the table moved about 4 feet.
I was laid out flat on my stomach, face down with arms at my side. A couple instructors and an EMT student turned me over, keeping my neck and spine aligned to make sure I was breathing. At some point I woke up, but was having a hard time staying awake. One of my professors just kept telling me to keep my eyes open. They asked what meds I was on, but I couldn't remember any of them. I did manage to remember I had them stored in my phone, so someone found them and wrote them down. Paramedics were called. I felt blood dripping down my face, but everything was very fuzzy. I could feel sweat dripping off my head too. I was so hot.
I guess it took atleast 10 minutes for EMS to get there. When they took my blood pressure, I remember them saying it was really low, but I don't remember the numbers. They put a c collar on me and put me on a backboard and transported me to the hospital. My BP was still low, but they didn't ask me any questions or do any neuro assessment. They cleared my neck and spine, took the collar off and gave me some morphine.
Eventually they stitched me up...4 on the inside of my lower lip, 2 on the inner layer of my chin, 6 on my chin (just below the lower lip). Then 3 more in the left corner of my lip. In addition, I chipped my two top center teeth and 2 teeth on the bottom (center left and the one right next to that).
My brain still feels a little fuzzy from time to time...I just feel slow. It also seems that I have sprained my jaw, it is very uncomfortable to open my mouth and talking for any length of time is quite painful. And I have some whiplash in my neck.
They don't know the underlying cause. Everyone was surprised the ER didn't do any xrays or MRIs. Sadly, with no health insurance, I'm not about to run out and get a bunch of tests done. I was so out of it at the ER, I didn't think to advocate for some tests. Plus, as many of you know being in an ER as a patient is a pretty stressful experience for me as a trans person. They did do a brief 12 lead to assess my heart and that seemed to be fine. They also drew blood.
So for now, I'm just being careful, drinking my meals and keeping on top of the pain. I am going to work on getting some low income MI based insurance this week and see if I can't do some follow up. This is the second time I have had a syncopal episode (passed out) in 3 months. Not a good sign. However, rest assured it will take more than a table to take me out!
Peace and compassion...
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Marking an anniversary
***Warning*** This could be triggering for those sensitive to gay bashing and sexual assault
So tomorrow, April 4th, marks the fourth anniversary of my survival. In 2007, while taking a walk to clear my head along the Platte River in Denver, I was jumped by two young men who perceived me as a gay man. After knocking me face first into the ground while taunting me with every imaginable gay insult, they threatened to kill me if I lifted my head to look at them. They proceeded to kick and stomp on me, until one of them decided he would "show me what a 'real man' was." Sounds so cliche and yet that is what he said.
He yanked down my jeans, ripping the rear pocket as he did so. I distinctly remember the sound of the denim tearing as I felt gravel dig into my cheek and the back of my hands. In some ways it feels as though those moments lasted forever and in other ways it seemed they were running off before I even knew what hit me. In the course of the rape, the perpetrator discovered my transgender status. It seemed to freak him out and disgust him even more, yet not enough for him to stop right away.
Despite lots of therapy, I still have moments where I question myself on how I handled it all. I didn't scream or fight back...because I didn't know what kind of weapons they might have had and whether they would be true to their word that they would kill me. In the end, I suppose it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I survived.
That experience, although I didn't realize it at the time, began a pretty major turning point in my life. Some it for the better, some of it remains to be seen. My horrible experience at the ER and what felt like pretty insensitive treatment by the SANE nurse, was part of what propelled me to nursing school. I hope that my experiences and the knowledge that I will bring to nursing will make a difference.
However, one of the hardest impacts of the assault is the effect it had on my son and our relationship. To this day, I am still unsure of how to unpack it all, how to help him deal with the secondary trauma he experienced. I feel an irrational weight of guilt about it to this day. As I celebrate my survival, I also mourn the loss of some of his innocence and the chasm that began growing between us.
There aren't a lot of maps or guidebooks for leading the life I have led. It has taken me time, medication, and lots of therapy to "get to the other side," and yet I still have occasional flashbacks and nightmares. This anniversary always reminds me of how far I have come, but also of how far I have yet to go. And, how far we as a society have yet to go.
As you go about your busy day, please take a moment to send some light my way and AJ's way. We could both use it. And while you're at it, send some towards my two assailants as well, whoever they may be. They must have a pretty dark spot in their hearts to have done what they did. Perhaps if they feel some compassion from the world they will learn to reciprocate it in kind.
Peace and compassion...
So tomorrow, April 4th, marks the fourth anniversary of my survival. In 2007, while taking a walk to clear my head along the Platte River in Denver, I was jumped by two young men who perceived me as a gay man. After knocking me face first into the ground while taunting me with every imaginable gay insult, they threatened to kill me if I lifted my head to look at them. They proceeded to kick and stomp on me, until one of them decided he would "show me what a 'real man' was." Sounds so cliche and yet that is what he said.
He yanked down my jeans, ripping the rear pocket as he did so. I distinctly remember the sound of the denim tearing as I felt gravel dig into my cheek and the back of my hands. In some ways it feels as though those moments lasted forever and in other ways it seemed they were running off before I even knew what hit me. In the course of the rape, the perpetrator discovered my transgender status. It seemed to freak him out and disgust him even more, yet not enough for him to stop right away.
Despite lots of therapy, I still have moments where I question myself on how I handled it all. I didn't scream or fight back...because I didn't know what kind of weapons they might have had and whether they would be true to their word that they would kill me. In the end, I suppose it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I survived.
That experience, although I didn't realize it at the time, began a pretty major turning point in my life. Some it for the better, some of it remains to be seen. My horrible experience at the ER and what felt like pretty insensitive treatment by the SANE nurse, was part of what propelled me to nursing school. I hope that my experiences and the knowledge that I will bring to nursing will make a difference.
However, one of the hardest impacts of the assault is the effect it had on my son and our relationship. To this day, I am still unsure of how to unpack it all, how to help him deal with the secondary trauma he experienced. I feel an irrational weight of guilt about it to this day. As I celebrate my survival, I also mourn the loss of some of his innocence and the chasm that began growing between us.
There aren't a lot of maps or guidebooks for leading the life I have led. It has taken me time, medication, and lots of therapy to "get to the other side," and yet I still have occasional flashbacks and nightmares. This anniversary always reminds me of how far I have come, but also of how far I have yet to go. And, how far we as a society have yet to go.
As you go about your busy day, please take a moment to send some light my way and AJ's way. We could both use it. And while you're at it, send some towards my two assailants as well, whoever they may be. They must have a pretty dark spot in their hearts to have done what they did. Perhaps if they feel some compassion from the world they will learn to reciprocate it in kind.
Peace and compassion...
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