Marking an anniversary

***Warning***  This could be triggering for those sensitive to gay bashing and sexual assault

So tomorrow, April 4th, marks the fourth anniversary of my survival.  In 2007, while taking a walk to clear my head along the Platte River in Denver, I was jumped by two young men who perceived me as a gay man.  After knocking me face first into the ground while taunting me with every imaginable gay insult, they threatened to kill me if I lifted my head to look at them.  They proceeded to kick and stomp on me, until one of them decided he would "show me what a 'real man' was."  Sounds so cliche and yet that is what he said.

He yanked down my jeans, ripping the rear pocket as he did so.  I distinctly remember the sound of the denim tearing as I felt gravel dig into my cheek and the back of my hands.  In some ways it feels as though those moments lasted forever and in other ways it seemed they were running off before I even knew what hit me.  In the course of the rape, the perpetrator discovered my transgender status.  It seemed to freak him out and disgust him even more, yet not enough for him to stop right away.

Despite lots of therapy, I still have moments where I question myself on how I handled it all.  I didn't scream or fight back...because I didn't know what kind of weapons they might have had and whether they would be true to their word that they would kill me.  In the end, I suppose it doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I survived.

That experience, although I didn't realize it at the time, began a pretty major turning point in my life.  Some it for the better, some of it remains to be seen.  My horrible experience at the ER and what felt like pretty insensitive treatment by the SANE nurse, was part of what propelled me to nursing school.  I hope that my experiences and the knowledge that I will bring to nursing will make a difference.

However, one of the hardest impacts of the assault is the effect it had on my son and our relationship.  To this day, I am still unsure of how to unpack it all, how to help him deal with the secondary trauma he experienced.  I feel an irrational weight of guilt about it to this day.  As I celebrate my survival, I also mourn the loss of some of his innocence and the chasm that began growing between us.

There aren't a lot of maps or guidebooks for leading the life I have led.  It has taken me time, medication, and lots of therapy to "get to the other side," and yet I still have occasional flashbacks and nightmares.  This anniversary always reminds me of how far I have come, but also of how far I have yet to go.  And, how far we as a society have yet to go. 

As you go about your busy day, please take a moment to send some light my way and AJ's way.  We could both use it.  And while you're at it, send some towards my two assailants as well, whoever they may be.  They must have a pretty dark spot in their hearts to have done what they did.  Perhaps if they feel some compassion from the world they will learn to reciprocate it in kind.

Peace and compassion...